Panndyra's Posts

Come to this site to check out what I'm up to as a fledgling paranormal romance writer and a woman living with chronic illness who's trying to go raw!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Vegan or vegetarian

Some people don't even understand the difference. Personally, I hope to eventually become a full-fledged vegan meaning I don't eat any animal products including meat, dairy and eggs. Right now, I'm moving towards lacto-ovo-vegetarian with NO CHEESE or CREAM PRODUCTS or perhaps a macrobiotic diet. I can't really decide.

This LINK explains the shades of vegetarianism.

Of course, I can't tolerate every grain either. I have to watch myself around certain rices and breads. I have to really make sure that I don't touch any refined products, especially of the carbohydrate variety.

Lately, I feel like it's easier NOT to eat than to figure out this maze. I'm not going to do that...I was bulimic for 14 years of my life and it messed my metabolism and my body up in ways I'm still discovering...but, some days it seems that everything I want to eat is just harmful to my body.

Some famous veggie eaters include:

Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
Michael Stipe (REM)
Paul McCartney
Weird Al Yankovic
Liv Tyler
Shania Twain
Pamela Anderson
Christina Applegate
and Bryan Adams

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Obeying the Muse

Okay! I'm getting ready for summer. The kids get out on Thursday. That's only two days away. I have an eguide to write, a ton of articles I need to get done so we can go away and the muse won't let me be. Oh no!

She won't let me get out of my own head so I can do the work I'm supposed to. The siren's calling. I must heed her. She wants to write articles about historical women. She wants to write poems about my wounded womb. She wants to avoid thinking about going to Boston to visit my parents. She wants me to read books that have nada to do with my research.

The muse is a brazen, selfish bitch. I must resist her, in part, at least!

Gotta go see my son launch a rocket after school. Yippee! Nothing more fun in almost 100 degree heat! Luckily, my daughter is surprisingly low-maintenance. I'm blessed with good kids. It's the schools that expect so much from us.

Okay! I'm whining.

On a pseudo-fast this week and being 80% vegetarian and 30% raw. My skin has broken out, releasing toxins...but I'm in my early 30s. I'm tired of ACNE!

bitch, kvetch, whine. I'm sick of myself. Adieu for now.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Falafel - a Wondrous food

This weekend I had my first falafel. Now, I can't get it out of my mind. It's so strange. I had always wanted to try falafel but never did. No real reason why. Just didn't.

I'm definitely contemplating vegetarianism as a lifestyle choice. Currently, I'm reading a book called 365 Good Reasons to be A Vegetarian. I also finished reading a book on Jim Morrison's early poetry this weekend. Yup! I read about 2 books a week, sometimes more. I read fast.

Yesterday was a tough day. Very sick. Hate having fibromyalgia sometimes. Trying to take it slow today...trying, but really can't.

Got too much to do. Keeping chicksnchips afloat, writing a poker e-guide, my novel(s) - yes, plural. Besides, Dark Secrets, I'm working on a serial killer tome set in Las Vegas called The Highest Stakes. I'm busy, busy, busy!

Not to mention the kiddoes are almost out of school for the summer. What's a mom to do! and the house is a mess, y'all!

Fuggedaboutit! I'll clean when they're in college.

Dark Secrets

Dark Secrets is the title of my first full-length paranormal romance. It's currently in the works. I have such a hard time writing descriptively. Man, it's tough. I've also got the poetry in my soul, y'all. It's calling to me. My muse is working overtime.

Here's an excerpt from my prologue. Hope you like it:

“Jim, please don’t give up. Stay with me,” Isabela pleaded with her mate, the man she spent the last two decades living with and loving.
“Bela,” Jim croaked in pain. She could tell it was unbearable for him. “Don’t cry for me. I’ve lived a better life than I deserved to. Thanks to you. I-I-I…” His breathing was hard yet shallow. She could tell the effort was enormous.

Isabela grabbed his hand. Once it was so strong. Now, it appeared shrunken somehow. The chronic heart attacks and the thickening of his blood from the thalassamia had changed the man she loved significantly. He was a shell of his former self. “Don’t speak, my love. It’s too draining.”

Dr. Richard Vanelt, Jim’s best friend and colleague at Boston General in the hematology department, entered the bedroom. He had a huge gym bag of sorts with him. Isabela wondered what it was for. “Isabela, I got here as quickly as I could. Jim, you wanted to speak with me?”

I must say that this process is very difficult. Very!

Friday, May 19, 2006

Good Morning Starshine The Earth Says Hello

I love that quote. It's from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory with Johnny Depp and originally from a song from the musical Hair. You know - when Willy greets the kiddoes at his factory.

Willy reminds me of me sometimes. So awkward in social situations. A true geek that feels more comfortable alone. My hubby even says that I'm a 'sociopath'. He means it as a joke. I am no sociopath because well, I have strong empathy for others and I feel guilt immensely. I was raised Roman Catholic in the Archdiocese of Boston by an Italian-Born mother and a superstitious Portuguese-American father.

The point is - I'm shy with some serious antisocial tendencies. I'm not rude, but I'm not ever the one to start a conversation. Afraid I'd be bothering people.

Wow! I'm officially killing my own buzz. Was having a great morning. Felt no stress. No sadness. No depression. I attribute it to the foods I've been eating. I'm partially RAW (about 20%). It's a start and about 70% vegan. I'm also gluten and dairy free. I notice changes in my body - LESS FLUID RETENTION, LESS PAIN! For a woman with Fibromyalgia, I welcome less pain anytime!

Last night, I made this killer Banana Frozen "Yogurt". I also did 'yogurt' yesterday (That's what my three year old calls yoga!) She's so cute!

Here's the recipe (remember the measurements are approximate as I'm a tactile cook. I just toss stuff in!)

2 Frozen Bananas - mildly ripe is good!
1/2 cup organic walnut halves and pieces - diced or chopped real fine
1/2 cup unsweetened coconut - shredded
1/4 cup raw, all-natural honey (***agave nectar would be a better substitute but the kids don't like it as much)
1/8 cup water (to get the blender moving)
15-20 cacao nibs

1) Throw everything in blender
2) Blend until mixed - consistency should be like a slightly melted frozen yogurt.
3) serve
4) eat

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Drained Emotionally

So, I'm writing my first paranormal romance novel. It's a vampire work that turns vampirism on its ear. I am giving my vamps more human qualities and well, I'm finding resistance from my readers.

I'm also getting totally slammed in my online crit group. Maybe I'm not ready to write this book yet. Maybe this isn't the type of book I should be writing. Maybe I'm not as good of a writer as I thought I was. I've heard that I should 'show more and tell less.' Damn! I thought I was doing a good job of that, but I am apparently not and that's the kiss of death of every writer.

Of course, I'm also writing two ebooks right now for a nonfiction publisher and have my "day job" as a poker writer. I also write at Constant-Content. It's a very good content generation site that you can pretty much write about what you want to. Love that freedom and the extra cash. It's not a lot but I earn enough to stay home with the kids and write while hubby works for health insurance and other stuff.

I'm grateful for my life. But, I'm just tired of feeling like I'm just a hack. I always thought I was something more.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Phosphate Tears

This poem just got rejected. I feel totally sucky about it, but I am sure it needs some work. I am posting it here so I can read it and reread it. If you want to comment, be kind and constructive. I wrote this last year when I was on the couch literally. I was trying the guaifenesin protocol that Dr. Paul St. Armand advocates for the treatment of Fibromyalgia.

Here's a link if you want to know more about it. (Guess by the tone of this poem - how badly it made me feel!)

Phosphate Tears

I am trying so hard to improve
So hard to prove that I can
I can feel normal again
If normal is what I am

If normal is anything real.

I cry phosphate tears
They feel like porcelain chips
Streaming down my face
Dripping toxins
Swelling and reddening my skin,
Puffing me up and depleting me again.

One day I feel up
The next I can’t stand
I am betrayed by my body
But I betrayed her first

I abused her
I misused her
She mistrusts me
And is afraid I’ll just use her again.

I’m tired of the tears,
Especially these tears
They’re chalky and white
They’re bitter
Chunky, white strips
That streak my face
And hurt my eyes

I look like a clown

And can’t see the world today.
It’s blurry…

So, I die on the couch,
Waiting for someone’s god to care enough to finish the job
I have longed for the grave
I feel like there’s nothing left to save
And I mourn for my loss like I’m already lost
Because I feel like I’m already dead.

Why now?
Why me?
When will the suffering be enough?
When will my karmic debts be repaid?

This is punishment, right?

If not, it sure feels that way.

Everyone else thinks I’m crazy
Hazy-brained, lazy
and I like sitting on my ass.

Bull shit!
I like what this is doing to me!
I like being sick!
Are you kidding?
Please. They’re the insane ones.

Why would I do this to myself?
Why would anyone?

My life sits on a shelf
Like a book
Waiting to be picked up
When I feel better again …
If I still decide to read it,

Will anyone pick the plot up where I left off?
Will I ever be well again?
Or will I be terminally tired?

I’m tearing up again,
leaking toxins because my treatment is rough
I feel tired in my bones
My resolve is shot.

I’m clearing up, they say
Some days are fine
Some days are hell
And then I go back again
On this demonic roller coaster

The cycle sucks
The tears are bitter
I hate this pain
I hate this suffering
I’m no martyr, no saint
I’m a sinner but don’t deserve this fate
No one does.

Torturous limbo
I am weak and can’t get well
I hate this…
It’s worse than hell

At least then, it’d be over
One way or another

Wouldn’t it?


Hi all,

We went to Scarborough! Yippee! It was a long day, but I made it intact and without too much pain. Mother's Day was very quiet. I like it that way.

I'm trying to get back in the groove and coming out of a deep mini-depression. Totally black. Totally Plath-like. Also bummed 'cuz I found out I'm allergic to my dog today. Took the skin test at the allergist. Also allergic to mold, ragweed, sage and bermuda grass.

Saw pics of myself at the Faire this weekend and am I like - wow! so that's what I look like! Yup! Freaked me out and not in a good way. I want to lose this weight. It's gonna take forever. Forever and a day, but I have to do it.

I'm incorporating more raw foods into my life. Yup! I'm also making a concerted effort towards vegetarian eating with no cheese or gluten-containing products. Basically vegan with eggs. The weight is starting to come off - and pretty effortlessly. The diet is hard, but it works like a charm.

I also have to kick this addiction to diet soda, y'all! Now, that's going to be tough.

Heading off to Boston soon to visit the family for three weeks and I'm not happy.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Mother's Day Tea

My daughter goes to Crestview United Methodist Preschool. It's a lovely school. I actually designed the web site with my hubby's help. Yep! We're just a couple of computer nerds in love. Hehe.

Today they had a Mother's Day Tea. It was cute and all. I loved the gifts and the entertainment. The kiddies sang some songs. What mama doesn't go all melty when her wee one is belting out "Itsy, Bitsy Spider" and "You Are My Sunshine"? Certainly not me. I was all teary eyed.

She's sooooooo cute.

The tea had nothing I could munch on. So, I abstained. I just drank some raspberry tea. It had sugar, but I'm just really avoiding gluten and dairy so I was cup o' tea ain't gonna kill me.

I wasn't as upset about not being able to eat this crap. I was looking at it as...hmmm? Cookies? Cake? Brownies lead to:

yeast infection/thrush
pain (yes, it exacerbates my fibro pain)

I guess when you put it into perspective it's not so hard to steer clear.

My almond ice cream experiment has gone horribly awry...but my husband and son are making progress. They're both realizing that certain foods do affect them. It's such a positive step for them and applaud them. But I'm sort of addicted to my nut-milk smoothies with stevia now. Yummy!

And my daughter, when asked what mommy's favorite food was, said "VEGETABLES". A few years ago, my son said PIZZA when asked the same question.

PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION as that old AA adage goes.

Happy Mother's Day to All! I'll be at Scarborough Faire in Waxahatchee tomorrow. Hubby and I might renew our vows with King Henry VIII and one o' his wives. I sure do hope it's Catherine of Aragon - she's my favorite! If it's that bitch, Anne Boleyn, I may reconsider. I am such a history geek...yup!

Geek me!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Living Without Dairy

I have been struggling with being overweight since I was four years old. I'm ashamed of this issue. I'm ashamed of myself. I'm also ashamed at how society throws fat people way...or wants to.

I am addicted to food. I am also very sensitive to the foods I am addicted to. In essence, I crave that which makes me ill. Talk about insanity! I'm not alone, y'all. I am convinced that millions of people worldwide are in the same boat. I know that so many of those people won't ever figure that out.

Western Medicine has sucked for me. It has degraded and denigrated me. Just yesterday, I went to an allergist. I'm looking into seeing if I have celiac sprue. He talked to me for five minutes about the gastric, he's an allergist. I refuse a surgical solution to a behavioral issue. I refuse. I will discuss more of my reasons why in future posts. I just don't have the energy today.

This post is actually about an amazing woman. She's a guide, a teacher, a shaman, a health care provider and a life saver. Her name is RitaMarie Loscalzo. She's the Austin Health Coach. Check out her web site at .

The first time she met me, she put me at ease. She told me that I had the power in me to reclaim my health. That alone was worth the price of the session. I can make changes. I can do things that will improve my health.

With fibromyalgia, hypothyroidism, depression and some weird bleeding from my reproductive area (going to see the gynecologist tomorrow...wonder if she'll talk about gastric bypass too?) that's really not something I hear a hell of a lot of.

I'm on a gluten-free, dairy-free diet. Exactly what that means is I must stay away from products with gluten (wheat protein) and casein (dairy protein). My body can not tolerate them. Gluten is in flours and pastries, cakes, cookies, pastas, etc. Dairy is well, yogurt, milk and cheese...pretty much.

That's harder for me to stay away from. Believe it or not. Dairy...mmmmm .... cheese. I grew up devouring cheese daily. I miss it. I dream about it. I cry for it. My son, who's 9, has dairy sensitivities too.

So, I went to a Living Without Dairy Class at RitaMarie's crib the other night. I learned so much. You can make dairy-free cheese, milk and ice cream from nuts. It tastes darn good - I'm hooked on the stuff now...and well, I don't get sick from it.

Yipeee!!!!!!! RitaMarie's a genius.

Thank goddess for her.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

My newest endeavor

It's been so long since I've paid any attention to this blog. Maybe it's been illness, laziness, a combination of the two or something else entirely. I'm trying really hard these days to get my first novel, a paranormal romance, written.

I've always wanted to be a novelist - and now's the time to do it.

The work is called Dark Secrets. I'll post vignettes from time to time. I'm hoping to add links that other paranormal writers will enjoy!